Final Fantasy vs Kingdom Hearts
by secretgal
Summary: For wannabe kairi. One girl vs the whole of the spawn of Disney and Square. This should be fun. For those who dislike Kingdom Hearts.


**Author's Note: **Just when I thought I was out of the woods with these humor fics, I've been pulled back in. This was a request from wannabe kairi. So sorry that it took so long and I hope you enjoy it.

Before I begin, I want to say that I have nothing against Kingdom Hearts. My problem, however, is that it represents everything wrong with Square and in a similar sense Disney these days: doing things only because of the money, over exposure, milking once cool ideas to death (I'm looking at you FFVII...and Lion King), generic characters, Nomura, zippers, belts, emo characters, belts and zippers, ect. Granted the other games of Square show this problem, but it's the most prevalent in KH and it's much easier to make fun.

Phew, with that out of the way, please enjoy my version of the destruction of Kingdom Hearts. - secretgal

* * *

_In A Film Trailer Far Far Away..._

Lightning Farron yawned as she approached the door to her trailer. The FFXIII film crew had just completed a series of shots involving mountains and beaches, so the crew was forced to do the shoot in a remote location. After three days of walking around in the middle of nowhere, she was ready crawl into her bed and sleep. As Lightning reached the entrance to her current home, she noticed that one of the lights was on.

_That's weird, _she thought to herself, _I got Cloud out of the closet and sent him home to Tifa._

Reaching the door, she swung it open to reveal a trail of tomato sauce footprints around the floor. "Stella," she muttered under her breath, reminding herself that the princess needed to be taught a lesson on cleaning up after bathing in the red substance. "Stella are you still here?" she yelled, expecting the princess to respond.

Instead, she received a reply of, "It's Vani. I'm using your television!"

Shrugging, Lightning closed the front door and walked into the room where she found Vanille sitting in front of the television, playing something on a borrowed PS2, surrounded by thirty cans of empty soda, pizza boxes, bags of chips, and three huge tubs of half-eaten Nutella.

Lightning looked at the mess with confusion. "Vanille?! What the heck happened here?!"

Vanille replied in a monotone, uninterested voice. "Kingdom Hearts."

"W...what?"

"It's a game...by Square...with Disney characters..."

Lightning cocked an eyebrow. "That doesn't seem physically possible."

"Well, it's the truth." Suddenly, a group of weirdly colored characters appeared on the screen, and Vanille squealed with delight. "It's the heartless! Die abominations of the Dark Lord Ansem." She then began mashing buttons.

Lightning shrugged, realizing that her friend was beyond the point of rescue. Instead of saying something, she left her friend in the room.

_About a Week Later..._

"I'll come back to you," Sora yelled as he grasped Kairi's hand. "I promise."

Feeling her grip loosening, Kairi replied with a sad but hopeful, "I know you will."

As they separated, the ending theme of _Simple and Clean _played. A tearful Vanille started to sing along. After such a long time of playing and level grinding, and spending hours in that boring gumby-ship, it was all over.

"That was fun!" she said aloud as she stretched her arms out, accidently bumping a few empty pizza boxes. "Not the best game I've ever played, but certainly enjoyable." She then reached to turn the PS2 off. Just then the message "Buy KH2! Buy KH2" flashed on the screen

Vanille stopped and stared. _There's another one! _Immediately, she ran out of the mess and to the nearest video game retailer.

_Twelve Days Later..._

Vanille's eyes were twitching in anger as the game told her to "Press the Triangle Button to **Breath**". Roxas' tutorial was getting to her.

"I...want...to...play...as...#$%^&%...SORA! NOT *&^* ROXAS!"

_Two Weeks Later..._

Vanille was now watching a cut scene of Sora angsting about Riku.

"SHUT UP CHILD OF AERITH AND CLOUD!!! I WANT TO KILL HEARTLESS!!! WHO GIVES A #$%&! ABOUT RIKU! HE WANTS YOUR GIRLFRIEND! BE A MAN SORA!!"

As if the game had heard her cry, Axel stepped out of nowhere and began to say something. Vanille immediately closed her mouth and watched. "Its good thing you're Reno's heartless. You win this round game," she muttered out of the corner of her mouth.

_One Month Later..._

After all of the remaining Organization XIII (really Organization VIII when Vanille thought about it) members were defeated, the Not-Ames-but-sort of-related-to-Ansem-in-a-weird-and-illogical-way-that-made-no-sense-guy was killed, Kingdom Hearts was found again, the heroes were all safe, and the credits began to roll, Vanille let out a thrilled "IT'S OVER!! This ^%$#* game is OVER!"

But as the credits ended a series of messages flashed on the screen. "Buy Birth by Sleep. Buy Birth by Sleep. Buy our crappy Japan-only cell phone game. Buy our crappy Japan-only cell phone game. Buy 358/2 Days! Buy 358/2 Days!"

Vanille's eyes glazed over and a sickening laughed filled the room.

_A Few Hours Later..._

"Hey Snow," Lightning asked the tall blond as she walked toward her trailer.

"Yeah," he replied, as he took another sip of a large blue smoothie he was holding.

"Have you noticed these weird characters walking around the set?"

"Weird?"

"They're the cartoony things that look like a mouse, a duck, a breed of stupid dogs, and a bunch of pretty princesses."

"Oh, they're the Disney guys."

"Why the heck are they on the Square-" Lightning's sentence stopped when she noticed the lights in her trailer were flickering on and off. "Oh crap," she murmured, starting to run towards the entrance of the trailer.

"Crap what?" Snow yelled.

"Vanille!"

It didn't take long for Snow to catch up to Lightning. They entered and Snow followed Lightning as she bolted down the hallway to the living room. The sight they saw made Snow drop his half full smoothie. The whole room was trashed: pillows were ripped; finger paintings were strewn on the walls; the tubs of Nutella were spread around the door frame; the PS2 and Television were thrown to the ground and were partially on fire. In the center of it all was Vanille, one of her red curly pigtails unloose, a wrench in one hand and a screwdriver in the other, some extra Nutella was dabbed on her face like some tribal paint, and her expression was of pure rage.

"What the heck happened here," Lightning asked, her eyes drifting around the room. Snow just stood with his jaw dropped.

"Two words," Vanille slowly replied, "KINGDOM. %$&*^. HEARTS!"

"What happened?"

Vanille then explained how everything had gone wrong with the characters, story, game play had just failed. Her voice cracked a few points, as her mind was nearing the edge of following in the pit of insanity.

"So, what are you going to do now?" Lightning finally asked. Snow was still trying to understand what was happening

Vanille stood up and clenched her blistered fingers in a ball. "I'm going to kill…Nomura!"

"Can't do that," replied Lightning.

"Why not?!"

"He's our boss."

"$#%&^!"

"But I think I know who can help." She reached into her pocket and pulled out a cell-phone and then pressed a few numbers.

"Lightning, what are you -" Snow began.

Lightning responded by putting her index finger up in the air in front of her companion's face. "Hello, Sephiroth...yeah it's Lightning...Good to hear from you too I...fans are annoying aren't they? Hey listen, I need a favor. Do you know where the Kingdom Hearts set is...uh...uh...Lot 14...Between FFXI and FFIV...Got it! Thanks Sephy I...okay, I'll remember that...Bye."

Her attention returned to Vanille. "Got the address. Do you wanna take some anger out?"

Vanille turned around from the screen, eyes burning with the prospect of vengeance. "Do I EVER! But I'll need a bigger club."

Lightning nodded in agreement and dialed a second number on her phone. Snow had a look of absolute terror on his face. "Are girls...always like this?"

"Just when we go a little crazy," said Lightning. "Hey Fang, I need to ask you for something. Can Vanille borrow your staff?"

_The Next Morning At the KH Set..._

Everything was sunshine and rainbows for Sora. He exited the studio warehouse with a smile on his face and a song in his heart.

"Golly gee gosh, it sure is a great day, right Donald and Goofy," the hero said as he turned his head to the left and right. Neither Donald nor Goofy was standing next to him. Although to Sora, his best friends were right there. "Yeah I know," he replied to an imagined comment.

As continued to walk out, the sound of 'khaaaaaaa' entered his ears.

"What's that," he said aloud. In the distance he saw a figure, running towards him, carrying some big stick.

"Oh boy, a new friend!" Sora said to the two imaginary characters that he thought were there.

The "Khyaaaaaaaaaaa" grew louder.

"Hey there new friend, I'm Sora. And this is Donal-"

Before he could finish, Sora was tackled and thrown to the ground by a very angry Vanille. She then proceeded to bash Sora over the head with the enormous staff that Fang had lent her.

"You" – (squeak) – "little" – (quack) – "JERK!" she screamed, hitting him with each word she said. "This is for my sanity" – (squeak) – "This is for my money" – "And your stupid BELTS!" – (quack).

From the roof of a nearby building, a few of Vanille's friends had gathered. Lightning had a rare smile on her face. Snow, meanwhile, was grimacing at the scene. Fang had a pleased look on her face. Sephiroth had also joined them, holding a black duck taped box under his left arm, and was reveling every moment of the horror bellow.

"Ya know," Fang said, "if I had known that Vanille could be broken, I would have made her play Kingdom Hearts a while ago."

"She's something," added Lightning as she quickly dodged a pair of ripped of zippers that flew by her head.

"She's an Oerba; of course she's a fighter."

"Mother agrees," added Sephiroth.

At that, all of the other persons on the roof turned wearily to the Solder 1st Class officer. Sephiroth, apparently used to those kinds of looks, calmly pulled the box out and held it so that the others could see. "My mother," he said.

Every one else scooted three feet away from the silver haired man. "You keep you mom…in a box…" Snow managed to say.

"Oi," Fang interrupted him, "the others have arrived."

Riku and Kairi had just stepped out of the sound stage and were now the newest targets for Vanille.

She let out another "Khyaaaaaaa" and ran towards them; the two responded by screaming and running away.

"Shouldn't we stop her," Snow asked.

"Are you kidding, this is too much fun," Lightning responded. "Besides, I never liked Kingdom Hearts anyway."


End file.
